teh PeReNnI4L nOOb

Life of a wanna-be uber-gamer.

Thursday, October 27, 2005

FPS Training

Like, welcome back nOObs. To be more than like just an uber-gamer, to like be teh best you have to train at things besides playing FPS, you like have to build up stamina to be able to pwn all nOObs all day and night and so to do that today I joined a local gym.

So like when I was signing up, this nOOb asked me my goals and stuff and I was like “to become an uber-gamer, like to totally pwn QuakeCon next year” and he like had no idea what I was talking about, total nOOb I tell ya. So like then after I joined this nOOb handed me off to this other nOOb, some trainer or something, and he like wanted me to do some circuit training program and I was like “nOOb, I got my pwn program, like I'm here to do some FPS training.”

So like then I stepped into the training arena and like to my left were nOObs who were obviously training for Dance Dance Revolution...so gay. And like there were these other nOObs to teh right who were like probably training for Fight Night or some other loser button mashing game that takes like no skillz. And so then I like noticed this total nOOb that was like clearly training for CS cause like he was doing this crouch move with some weight on his shoulders but like doing it while standing in the same spot. So like I took pity on the nOOb and tried to help and I was all like “nOOb, if you want to improve your crouch skillz for CS you gotta move around or like you'll get your head blown off” and he like looked at me all confused and stuff so I knew I had to show him what I meant. So like I put this heavy barbell on my shoulders and like ran forward a few feet and crouched, looked around then strafed to my right and took cover behind a rack of barbells and like looked around some more. So then like I stood up only part way to like not get my head blown off and then ran in reverse and crouched behind some benches and then like I strafed to my left back to the nOOb and was finished. So then I was like “nOOb, that's how you do it, you gotta move around or else some counter terrorist will like drop a grenade on your ass and game over” and he was like “piss off moron.” Whatever, lost cause man, be a nOOb forever see if I care. So like nOObs, here's a tip: 5lbs on the shoulders is like too much weight to start training with try to start with less.

So like then I stepped up to a treadmill and set teh speed to as fast as it would go, like 15 or something. Like, starting with the top speed is better ya know, cause like it builds up stamina right away, like starting out slow is for nOObs ya know. And so like I started jumping side-to-side cause like any nOOb can run around and get a couple frags but to pwn you have to master the side-to-side cause like that's what separates teh nOObs from teh uber-gamers. So like after jumping side-to-side for a while, ya know for like ten seconds or something, I was like pwning the machine until like some nOOb walked by in fatigue pants and I was like in the zone and all and totally thought he was going to frag me and so like it broke my concentration and caused me to land wrong and so like I went flying off teh machine. But that's okay cause like this glass wall was right next to me and broke my fall. And like sure I'll have bruises all over my body, but I heard bruises like make you stronger or something. So it was cool.

So like I got back on and set the speed to 1, cause like my head hurt a lot so I figured I had better go at a nOOb's pace for now. So then like it wasn't long before I was back to my side-to-side training and on a roll and all when like I noticed all teh other nOObs were staring at me cause they were impressed by FPS skills, so like I started jumping higher to really impress. And then like that's when this manager came over and told me to stop what I was doing cause he said I was going to break the machine or something. And I was like "WTF?!? I'm doing my FPS training. Buy better equipment nOOb" and so like he must not have understood how advanced my FPS training was compared to all the other FPS nOObs training around me cause like he unplugged my machine and that like caused me to fall off into the wall again. Totally wasn’t cool. So like nOObs, here's a tip for ya: don't practice jumping side-to-side on a treadmill at speeds higher than 3.

And so like after teh manager unplugged teh treadmill he like told me to leave and not come back until like I could follow his rules or something. So I was like “whateva, I don't care I got my FPS training in and like now I've got stamina” so like now I'm in shape and ready to go back online and start pwning.

Frag out!

15 Comments:

At 11:14 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

your a nigger

 
At 10:06 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

could say like just one more time just so we're sure you like that word...bitch

 
At 10:02 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

hmm definately couldnt tell you have seen pure pwnage before...

 
At 12:47 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

lol, someone's tryen a little too hard to be teh_pwnerer... ^.^

"noob out"

 
At 2:57 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

lol nub fag lol rofl lawl gay lol

 
At 2:50 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Man, you really suck. Stop trying to imitate Pure Pwnage, it doesn't work. Please die now.

 
At 11:38 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

you can just scroll down and see "so like" pop up everywhere.

That = you are fag

 
At 11:05 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

like, it woulda like been better if like you didn't like use like so much.
Makes you sound like a) wannabe or b) young bitchy female

Tone it down, act more casual and cool, and it would have been more entertaining.

The storyline was amusing however.

 
At 6:02 PM, Blogger Tycius Archthael said...

truely brilliant, loved it. :D

 
At 6:40 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

To dicksinmyass (11:14am):
"you're"

To anonymous (10:02pm):
"definitely"

To anonymous (10:02pm):
"trying"
possibly "tryin" if you can't talk properly, but there's no excuse for "tryen"

To elliot (6:02pm):
"truly"

And to all the people who will inevitably respond to me in a negative way for pointing out your mistakes:
"I'm sorry you feel bad that you can't spell. I'm merely trying to help you be less FUCKING STUPID."

Thanks

 
At 6:48 PM, Blogger Unknown said...

I would like to thank all the losers who posted. So easy to rile up the simpletons of the world. lol noobs I stopped writing or caring about this a LOOOOOONG time ago.

 
At 5:31 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

omg ... its ... teh_wannabee ... oi ue name is johnathon? ... grow some balls johnathon . u must be gay to wanna be like some guy

 
At 5:33 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

man i hope u die aye .. like maybe a noob will come outta ur computer screen and engulf ur face

 
At 2:41 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Dear johnathon... u r a fag

 
At 1:14 PM, Anonymous Dan the Pwner said...

Than i came with a shotgun, took them all out for MY fps training, plugged the treadmill in, set the speed at like 40 `n flew at the treadmill outta the window, i was like riding with tha treadmill at tha street people lik lookin` at me i took the fuckers down wit mah shootgunz `n practiced side humping, than i crashed in to the cops an got jailed.
Thats how you do it nOObzorz.

 

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