teh PeReNnI4L nOOb

Life of a wanna-be uber-gamer.

Sunday, October 23, 2005

Get Use to Being Horizontal

So like, welcome fellow nOObs. I am teh PeReNni4L nOOb and this is my journal of how I hope to one day shake this title and rise above the rank of nOOb and become an uber-gamer.

So like this morning I was playing Quake 4 deathmatch for the first time and I was like getting pwned like a nOOb should and everything. All teh other gamers had better weapons and skillz than I did. Yeah, their weapons had like lightning shooting out of them and rockets and stuff and my little rifle was like ratatat-tat, ratatat-tat and before I knew what was what I was like horizontal and the game tells me like I just got pwned by dad10346 but that's okay ya know because like I'm still just a noob and all and it's to be expected to get pwned by someones dad.

So I respawn and figure it's best to start running like a scared little noob to find some place to hide and stuff and figure out what to do next. Ya know, just be alone with my thoughts and all thinking how I'm going to get my first kill. But as I'm running my gun changes to this uber-type weapon and I have no idea how to use it or what it does but I know it's uber because it's big.

So I find a corner alone away from all teh other uber-players and think to myself I should test it out and see what it does so I pull the trigger and next thing ya know I'm horizontal. Yeah, here's a tip for all you nOObs, don't fire an uber weapon into a wall when you're near it.

So I respawn again and teh game tells me I'm tied for 16th place with zero kills. And I'm all like "right on!" cause to be tied with someone means I'm not alone in last and others in the deatmatch game are nOObs like me and so like maybe I have a chance to get a kill or two. Now I run again all scared and stuff and this time some other nOOb is chasing me trying to make me his bitch and I'm like "Noway bitch. I'm gonna take you out!" so I turn around and start jumping side to side and I'm like "this is hard for him to hit me, sure, but man I can't hit him for shit either." so I stop jumping and BOOM! my head blows off and I'm like horizontal again.

Man, this game is hard. I knew when I took on the challenge to become an uber-gamer it was going to be a long, hard road but it's my destiny to rise above being a nOOb and so I wiped away my tears and respawned into teh game again. This time I could feel it in my nOOb bones that I was gonna get my first kill. So I run down this narrow hallway and come to this ramp with an arrow and so I step onto it a few feet and it flings me across the arena and I'm like "WHOA HOLY SHIT!" and then I land and I'm suddenly surrounded by five uber-gamers and yeah I'm horizontal again.

I tell myself "nOOb, if you don't get a kill this time then it's back to the single-player campaign for training" and I don't want that cause like those bots totally pwn me and it's no fun getting pwned by bots. So I run around like a bitch and hold down the trigger of my riffle: ratatat-tat, ratatat-tat, ratatat-tat and then teh game tells ME that I just killed dad10346. I'm like "yeah bitch I pwn you! Take that bitch" and the game also tells me that I'm now tied for 15th place. Woot! I just moved up teh ranks to 15 with one kill! So I start running around and I take a couple hits from stray bullets but I'm like not in 16th so I'm tougher or something and can take a hit now so I don't die as easily. So I pick up this sweet uber gun and I start going crazy shooting at anything that moves and I'm running wild and then I fall helplessly to my death. Damn! Where did that pit come from. And then like the game tells me I'm now in 16th place all alone with zero kills. nOObs, just an FYI, if you kill yourself you lose points. Totally not cool.

That was a lot of killing and dying in just three minutes and I need a rest. Phew, I thought I was in shape and all cause like I actually work but man it's exhausting being a nOOb and getting pwned.

Frag out!


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