teh PeReNnI4L nOOb

Life of a wanna-be uber-gamer.

Sunday, October 30, 2005


So liek welcome back fellow nOObs. For the past few days I've been trying to pwn the Q4 single-player campaign and liek it's totally impossible to defeat when you're a nOOb. So liek nOObs, here's a tip for you: god give all. So liek, after I totally pwned those bots I liek felt I was ready to pwn real live nOObs. So online I went.

So liek I jumped right into a Q4 DM game and teh announcer was all liek “Fight!” and liek that's when my adrenaline started to rush and I was liek I had to find some nOOb to make my bitch soon or liek my head would explode. So liek teh first nOOb I found I unload all my ammo and liek he was still standing so I was liek “WTF?!? has he liek got some special armor that I don't know about or something? I gotta find it.” So liek I ran around for a while but found no special armor so liek I picked up a new gun and started unloading all its ammo on another nOOb and he was liek still standing and liek I KNEW I hit him several times. WTF?!?

So liek that nOOb I just unloaded my ammo onto told me “liek I'm on your team you dumbass!” and I was liek “dumbass?!? liek, I'm a nOOb. Liek whaddya expect?!?” And so liek then I started thinking “nOOb, what did he mean by 'team'?” So then liek I went into a corner to be a lone with my thoughts to liek read teh fucking manual, but some nOOb must have found me cause liek I was horizontal when I finished reading. (So liek nOOBs, I'm starting to think there's liek, no safe corners to be alone with your thoughts.) So liek, anyway, sure as I'm a nOOb there's this mode called Team Deathmatch and I was liek “Team? I don't want no nOObs to help me pwn. liek I'm teh lone gunman or something, liek I can't be teh uber-gamer if I don't be doin it by myself.”

So liek, as soon as I respawned I started unloading on this nOOb and he's liek “I just told you DUMBASS I'm on your team!!!!” So liek now he's mad or something and so I'm liek whateva, so I said liek “Well it's a good thing cause liek I just unloaded on you and liek your defensive skillz suck.” So liek that was a mammoth nOOb mistake.

See, nOObs, here's a tip for ya: don't piss off teh administrator of teh server. Why you ask? Cause liek he's pretty much God.

So liek teh announcer then told me “You are now on teh Strogg team” and I was liek “WTF? I'm a Marine, nOOb.” So liek then I was horizontal and teh game told me liek I just got pwned by PRISON_SEX. And then he liek sent me a message “Ok dumbass, now I'm gonna pwn you prison style.”

So then liek I ran for my life cause liek I heard about prisons and all and I knew what that nOOb wanted to do to me. So liek yeah, he did it, over and over and over and over. And then liek he announced publicly that liek I was his bitch and liek that he pwned me. So liek that made me madderer and so liek after I pounded my fist on teh table and started shouting at him, liek I pwned him... and then liek I pwned him a second time! And so liek I figured once was a fluke but twice must mean I do have skillz and so liek I announced that he was my bitch now.

Ok, so liek nOObs, here's another tip: don't piss off teh administrator...twice! cause liek God's powers don't end at trading you, liek he can make everyone fight on his side.

So liek then teh whole server was nothing but Marines and I was liek teh only Strogg. So liek then I was permanently horizontal, liek I kept getting pwned teh second I would respawn and so liek my only option was to focus, get into the zone and show off my skillz and pwn everyone and show them all who was teh uber-gamer...or I could just disconnect.

nOObs, one last tip: RTFM, it'll keep you from becoming a total nOOb.

Frag out!


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